Thursday, April 8, 2010

Local Crooner Attempts Self-Tanned Perfection

"Crooner is an epithet given to a male singer of a certain style of popular songs, dubbed pop standards.[citation needed] A crooner is a singer of popular ballads and thus a "balladeer".[citation needed] The singer is normally backed by a full orchestra or big band. Generally, crooners sang and popularized the songs from the Great American Songbook. "Crooner" was originally used as a negative term, and many people given the term, such as Russ Colombo, did not consider themselves to be crooners. In an interview, Frank Sinatra said that he did not consider himself or Bing Crosby to be crooners." ---

What the hell? I don't know what I did to deserve this title. "Local crooner Cody Belew this, and local crooner Cody Belew that." Any press is good press, right? That's the way it works I guess. I just feel like its such a lazy thing to print if you've never even been to a show from which to draw such a conclusion. I'm not asking for "Local bad ass" or "Local super-nova mega voice." Just do your own research and coin your own phases rather than copy and paste from one online blog to the next.
One guy associated this horribly descriptive noun with my name and it stuck. Now every local online calendar starts with that heading. In the words of Charlie Brown, "Arrrrgg."

Beyond that little glitch most everything else is going rather well. Shows are going great. New people keep showing up with more new people. The Mercers are sounding SO good. It's pretty cool. I've been working on a few shows for the solo project. Though we haven't gotten together since the album release show, things are looking up. I've got a handful of songs that I'm ready to move forward with. Just have to get all my ducks in a row. It has been overwhelmingly awesome to have all this feedback pouring in from people either purchasing the CD or buying the album online on iTunes or I just can't get over the fact that people are genuinely interested in the work that I've created and that I continue to create.
I'm ready to get things rolling with merchandise development. I've got a few artist in mind to call on, but if you know of anyone good please let me know! My mind is in a constant state of thoughts firing. It's a lot like watching the flight schedule screen at the airport- boom boom boom. As I was driving to work this morning my mind settled for a few seconds on the idea of "Cody Belew" license plates. Then I giggled at my bold sub conscience and its lack of self limitation. Who thinks up things like that?!?! Me and Billy Ray Cyrus I guess.

I made the mistake of testing some self tanning spray that was sent to us at work to try. To have been a fly on the wall... geez. After standing in the shower, in my underwear, to spray from my feet to my thighs, I decided I needed to blot and blend. (A key technique, any reputable spray tan professional will say.) In my haste to try the product I failed to plan ahead. I only realized that I needed an old towel from the closet down the hall when I also realized that I had sprayed myself into a corner- the shower to be exact. There were two rugs between me and that closet, two fluffy white rugs. Being of athletic descent I easily spanned the distance from the tub to the floorspace on the other side of the first rug. Then while channeling a younger version of my father I did some sort of offensive football move around the second rug; failing to take into account the wall that runs the length of my hallway. So as I celebrated my successful run I turned in horror to see a large bronze smear on the wall where my right ass cheek had been. This meant two things. The wall was bronzed, and one ass check was not. Luckily the spray easily came off the wall with a quick scrub down. I found out later on that it does not come off the body in the same fashion.
Now I've never been one to do ANYTHING half assed. That being said I went ahead and sprayed my entire body blotting and blending as I went. Unfortunately I was so caught up (as Usher would say) in getting an even coat that I didn't realize I had worked my way out of the shower onto the very rug I had successfully dodged minutes before. I was hunched over with that can-o-tan awkwardly crooked over my shoulder. Imagine someone trying to reach a bug bite square in the middle of their back. ITS IMPOSSIBLE! So there I was, hunched over, trying to sling self tanner across my back to the far reaches of my lower shoulder blades and beyond. This was my approach. And it worked! The trouble was by that point I had sweat most of the stuff off of my face and it was now running down my neck. ...blot...blend....blot...blend. Furthermore, as the foggy brown mist settled around me (and along the inner cavity walls of my lungs) i noticed that the toilet, sink, shower/tub combo, and yes that fluffy white rug had the same George Hamilton-like tan that I had worked so hard to administer to myself alone.
The directions on the box said to let the tanner work for 4 hours before showering and lifting heavy objects. I tried very hard to follow the rules but its sort of difficult to do when you're carefully trying to scrub the shower, sink, toilet and walls without letting you arms meet your rib cage and keeping your inner thighs from mashing together (as if mine ever do.)

When it was all said and done I had achieved a wonderful tan. It was even- darker where the sun normally hits and lighter where it doesn't. My face looked naturally kissed. Surprisingly, my back was all copper-toned, and so on. The box said to pay close attention to one's knees and elbows as they tend to darken more than the rest of one's body. I did this. What the box failed to mention are one's hands. This all happened three nights ago and it looks like I'm typing this blog with Snookie's hands from the Jersey Shore! It's HORRIBLE! Dead give away. Red Alert.
But hey, they match the mysterious bronze stain that breaks the even tan-line across the lowest area of my back and runs down into the crack of my ass- sweat no doubt being the evil nemesis that laughed when it knew it had averted my almost perfected blot...and blend...

Have a good week.
Catch me at Cajun's tonight with the Mercers
at Michelangelo's on Saturday with Rodney Black & the Real Music Lovers.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Band website builder